by Bonnie van Geffen
One Lyme Warrior’s Letter to Herself
Dear Me, Dear Humiliated Me,
Please don’t ever call your body weak again. It had to fight so much for so long, that it’s one of the strongest you’ll ever meet. It had to carry so much and it fought so hard for you. Never forget that progress is a slow process.
Please don’t ever feel guilty again of not being the perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter or employee. You are not your disease. You’ve tried more than everything to keep up with life, but in the end, you lost. You fought an incredible battle. But a setback is just a set-up for a comeback. And one day, you will be winning again. You’ll proudly show your scars and scream “I’ve survived”.
Please don’t ever feel ashamed again, for not remembering things and asking questions when you should already know the answers. Memory loss is part of the disease, and some day your brain will function properly again. Remember that the people who love you, don’t blame you. So why blame yourself?
Don’t compare yourself to the girls who post sunny holiday pictures with the cutest outfits. When these girls wore sunny outfits, dresses, daisy dukes and high heels, you wore sweatpants 7 days a week. And you know what? That is okay. Really, it is. Your time will come too, and then you’ll feel confident and maybe even sexy. And you’ll buy all the dresses you can dream of. And the shoes too, of course.
Don’t accuse yourself of being difficult to love. Don’t you dare tell yourself that ever again. There is so much to love about you. When you feel hate for yourself, you are actually hating Lyme disease. But there is more to you than that. You are loyal, giving, generous and have such a big heart. Even with this debilitating disease and unreal medical bills, you still support people you love and give a lot to your family. And almost never ask for anything. Your soul is pure and your intentions are always good. Don’t blame yourself for the negative thoughts, but learn to understand that they are a part of this process. There will be a day when you will tell your mind to shut up when the bad thoughts will come again. You will beat this negativity. Yes, you will.
Don’t hate yourself. Stop hating your body. Your legs carried you through the hardest parts of your life. Your arms are strong. Yet they are also soft and can be used to cuddle and hold the ones you love. When you’re finally able to workout again, it will feel like the biggest victory you’ll ever know. I promise you that if you learn to appreciate yourself, your body will glow again. The scars will be evidence that you have won the fight. Celebrate the future and be thankful.
Please forgive your former friends for not being able to understand what it really means to be sick. They simply cannot empathize with you, and their lack of trying doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that life got in the way. Take it as a lesson learned. Now you know who really has your back. If you dare to let go, life will reward you with new people who will see the good in you when you feel lost or disoriented.
Please get rid of the idea that you can never thank your loved ones and friends enough for putting up with you. It’s not necessary to give them money or gifts. Remember that they support you because they choose to. Cherish them, and pay them back with love and unconditional friendship, because that is more than enough.
This is not your fault. Lyme disease is not your fault. But ten years ago, this stupid tick bite happened to you. Since then you’ve lost control over your body and life. If you blame yourself, please remember the tick bite and try to blame the tick. Quit being impatient, pat yourself on the back and remember how far you have come. You can do this. Hell yes, you can.
Opinions expressed by contributors are their own.
Bonnie van Geffen is a 29-year-old Lyme warrior from The Netherlands. She has experienced symptoms for many years but was officially diagnosed with Lyme disease a few years ago. After her initial treatment, Bonnie’s symptoms have now returned.